Marriage and the Gift of Dying to Self

By Matthew Richard

Over the last 50 years in America, we have seen a reduction in marriages to the point that marriage is now at an all-time low. However, simultaneous to the decline of marriage, the rate of cohabitation (living together apart from marriage) is increasing. Over the last 50 years, there appears to be a direct correlation between marriage and cohabitation: marriage has decreased by 65%, and cohabitation has increased by approximately 60%.

People are also getting married much later in life. In other words, those who do marry are not getting married in their early 20s but are tying the knot later in life.

What has led to these changes? What is bringing about this shift in views and actions regarding marriage?

One of the many factors is that our culture tells us that we have the “right” to pleasure and ease. But this cultural mantra does not jive with the reality that marriage is tough. Indeed, marriage is tough, and as we know, our culture does not like tough things but wants pleasure and ease at all costs. Thus the tension.

Martin Luther once said of marriage:

The purpose of marriage is not to have pleasure and to be idle but to procreate and bring up children, to support a household. This, of course, is a huge burden full of great cares and toils. But you have been created by God to be a husband or a wife and that you may learn to bear these troubles.[1]

We also hear about how tough marriage is from Ephesians 5:22–33: We read that the husband is to sacrifice everything — to die — for the sake of his wife. And the wife is called to trust her husband — to submit to and respect him. Now, this is hardly the setup that someone seeking pleasure at all costs would aspire to. It doesn’t sound like fun. If marriage is all about dying to self to serve a spouse, this is most certainly against the tune of our culture that sings self-love and encourages us to do whatever we want as long as we are happy.

Tragically and bluntly stated, one of the main reasons why marriage is on such a decline is that marriage does not let life be about you.

Permit me to explain.

If there is no spouse or children, there is immense freedom, comparatively. An unmarried person seduced by pleasure can indulge in whatever activities they want, when they want. If they have a partner who impinges on their freedom too much, they are free to leave them. Their resources and efforts can be invested in themselves. Marriage complicates such self-pleasure and ease by calling a man to die for his wife and calling a woman to submit to her husband. Furthermore, being married with children requires a great sacrifice of money, freedom and energy for one’s children.

And so, marriage has become seen as something like a curse in our culture — a “ball and chain” — something to be avoided.

But is this all true?

Dear friends, marriage is not a curse to avoid or put off for a better time. It is not something that ends dreams and ruins lives. It certainly is not a ball and chain. Instead, marriage is a gift that creates a husband and wife and a blessed family.

We must remember that Satan continually attacks marriage. Satan can never create but only pervert God’s gifts. And he does just this to marriage. He attempts to distort our perception of marriage so that we will stay away from it. He holds self-love over sacrificial love as the ideal. He strips sex out of wedlock and then sets it loose to cheapen it. He entices us to place other priorities above marriage, as if marriage is some old-fashioned thing. He tries to convince us that marriage is just too inconvenient, and that we can put it off until someday in the future, when we will have supposedly more time and resources. Indeed, the evil one — with the world and our flesh — gives a false view of marriage, sex and family. They give a view that is not real.

So, what is real? What is marriage?

To paraphrase an old professor of mine named Norman Nagel, a bride and groom do not make a marriage; instead, they step into marriage and take their places. The reason for this is that marriage is God’s gift. It is the perfect setup and the perfect gift that men and women receive. And so, when young people in the church aspire to the institution of marriage, we should be clapping and dancing for joy. Their desire to be married is good!

But what if the couple is young and poor? Do we tell them they ought to have waited and avoided marriage? Well, no. Just as we work to be faithful stewards to financially support God’s gift of life in pregnancy centers, we certainly should be good stewards to financially support God’s gift of marriage given to younger Christians. Frankly stated, we should be ready to open our wallets and show our children that we believe in marriage rather than painting it as an expensive burden that they cannot afford and should not aspire to at a young age.

At this point, I can hear the voice of someone saying, “But what about having fun at a young age and taking in everything life has to give? Do younger people want to enter a marriage when they are so young?”

To this, the church responds, “Sure, there will be dying to self in marriage. That is the whole point. That is why marriage is tough. Dying to self hurts the sinful nature. But tough does not mean bad. Marriage is tough on the sinful nature, even though it is a good gift for you.”

Marriage is indeed tough — but it is also a good gift. And so, let it be stated as plainly and clearly as possible: Men, as you step into the Lord’s estate of marriage, you become a husband. And as a husband, you are called to deny your desire to callously assert yourself. Instead of being the King of the Hill, you are called to die to your selfish desires, ambitions and dreams. You are called to lay down your life — thoughts, words, and deeds — for your wife. When you make your wife secondary to watching reruns of The Simpsons and drinking Miller Light, you are not only demonstrating the exact opposite of what it means to be a husband but are perverting who you are as a baptized husband.

Husbands, Christ bids you to die to yourself — to love your wives with the same sort of love that He has for His church. It is a love that keeps no record of wrongs, forgives, and sacrifices everything, even to the point of death.

And wives, Christ bids you to die to yourself — to deny your desire to callously assert yourself. You are called to love and submit to your husband, just as the church herself delights in submitting to Christ, and Christ Himself submits to the Father. However, when you sigh and roll your eyes behind your husband’s back while complaining to other women about how he can’t do anything right, you are doing the exact opposite of what it means to be a wife; you are perverting who you are as a baptized wife.

Wives, Christ bids you to die to yourself — to love your husbands with the same love that Christ’s church is supposed to have for Jesus. It is a love that strives to forgive, please, honor and be loyal while putting the best construction on your husband — even if that means excusing yourself from a group of women slandering their husbands over appetizers at a restaurant.

Husbands and wives, as you take your place in the holy estate of marriage, you die to yourself and live for your spouse. As husband and wife — reflecting Christ’s sacrificial love to His bride, the church — you learn to die to yourselves for your children. This is not a curse but a gift.

God be praised that through marriage, the Lord provides and preserves families, as spouses sacrifice for and trust each other out of reverence for Christ.

[1] Martin Luther, Luther’s Works, Vol. 5: Lectures on Genesis Chapters 26-30, ed. J. J. Pelikan, H. C. Oswald, & H. T. Lehmann (Saint Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1999), p. 363.

Photo: LCMS Communications/Erik M. Lunsford