Honoring Sinful Parents: Keeping the Fourth Commandment Like Our Lord

By Daniel Grimmer

In just a short time, multitudes of families will be journeying home for Christmas to visit parents, siblings and grandparents. For many, this will be a time of unbounded joy. But for others, that joy will be mingled with anger, fear or shame. Not everyone is able to visit a childhood home that is filled with mirth. Many face the painful reality of returning to homes and families that have been fractured by sin — sometimes their own sin, but many times the sins of their fathers or mothers.

God commands us to honor our fathers and mothers. Yet because mom and dad are sinners, they don’t exhibit the perfect love of God toward us even in the best of circumstances. And in the worst circumstances, some parents have caused immeasurable harm to their children through divorce, abuse and neglect. Other parents may discourage their adult children’s Christian faith or even display open hostility toward their faithful and godly choices. What does a believer do in these circumstances? Is he still obliged to honor the unfaithful or abusive father and mother?

From the outset, it must be said that the Fourth Commandment does not have an exception clause anywhere in Scripture. St. Paul is aware that fathers might sin in the fulfillment of their duties and provoke their children to anger (Eph. 6:4). Yet he does not exempt children in such a circumstance from the duty to honor those fathers. In the Large Catechism, Martin Luther has this to say regarding the Fourth Commandment: “We must, therefore, impress this truth upon the young that they should think of their parents as standing in God’s place. They should remember that however lowly, poor, frail, and strange their parents may be, nevertheless, they are the father and the mother given to them by God. Parents are not to be deprived of their honor because of their conduct or their failings. Therefore, we are not to consider who they are or how they may be, but the will of God, who has created and ordained parenthood” (LC I 108).

God commands us to honor our parents even if they are dishonorable. That’s because the honor that they are due is not because of their personal merit, but because of the vocation that God has given to them. God’s Word, not their own worthiness, bestows honor on our parents. God has given fatherhood and motherhood as offices through which He wishes to provide for, protect and bless mankind made in His image. To honor our father and mother is not so much to honor them as individual persons, but rather to honor God who works in and through the authority of our parents.

If you are someone coming from a less-than-ideal home, what has been said so far may be difficult for you. Help and hope are found in Christ. As we seek to love and honor our parents in difficult circumstances, we should look to our Savior in His relationship with His parents as our guide. While Mary and Joseph were good parents to Jesus, they were also not without sin. Furthermore, Jesus is the only person to have ever kept the Fourth Commandment perfectly. He always honored Mary and Joseph. But that doesn’t mean that He was always doing exactly what they expected or wanted. It also doesn’t mean that He didn’t at times correct what they thought or said. When we look at Jesus’ interactions with His parents, we see that we may have some misconceptions about what honoring our parents means.

Honoring is not always obeying

First, honoring our parents does not always mean obeying them. On one occasion, a great crowd was gathered around the home of Jesus, and Jesus’ mother and brothers came to take Him away (Mark 3:31–35). Because of the people gathered there to hear Jesus, they were not able to get into the house, but they sent word to Jesus. Jesus’ mother asked Him to come outside, but Jesus instead pointed to the crowd gathered around Him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:34–35). Jesus disobeyed His mother who had come to take Him away. He ignored her request to even speak to Him. Yet in His disobedience, He continued to honor her. His actions stemmed not from malice or selfishness, but from the fact that to obey Mary in that instance would have been to disobey God the Father, who had sent Him to preach the Gospel to the people of Israel.

When it comes to our parents, we can distinguish honor from obedience. If our parents ask or instruct us to act or live in a way that is contrary to God’s Word, we should obey God instead of them. When we visit parents at Christmas, this could bear itself out in a variety of ways. Perhaps our parents will ask us not to attend church so that they can have more time with the family. Perhaps they will suggest that while they’re grateful for grandchildren, we should take measures to prevent God from giving us any more children. Perhaps they will express disappointment or anger at a decision to prepare for church work.

Just as Jesus did not obey Mary when it contradicted God’s will, so we do not conform to the wishes and plans of our parents when they contradict God’s will. But even when we must disobey our parents in the Lord, we can still honor them as Christ did. We can make sure that we explain our decisions with love and kindness, rather than resorting to anger and argument. We can put the best construction on our parents’ words or actions even when they do not align with God’s Word.

Honoring is not always agreeing

Second, honoring our parents does not mean we cannot disagree with them. When Jesus was 12, He traveled with Mary and Joseph to Jerusalem for the Passover (Luke 2:41–52). When they began the journey home, Jesus stayed behind in the temple to listen to the teachers. After three days, His parents found Him. In her distress, Mary questioned Jesus and even seemed to accuse Him of mistreating her and Joseph. Jesus replied, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49). Mary and Joseph had misunderstood Jesus’ actions and interpreted them like most parents would interpret their 12-year-old running off. Jesus gently corrected their thinking, even though they did not understand His explanation.

At the wedding at Cana (John 2:1–11), Mary recognized that the hosts had run out of wine and told Jesus, expecting Him to help. While He did eventually do what she requested, He first reminded her, “My hour has not yet come” (John 2:4). Jesus didn’t want her to lose sight of what His real destiny was: to bring salvation to the world by fulfilling the hour of suffering on the cross. Jesus was not afraid to correct His parents when they had lost sight of the real purpose for His incarnation. He always did so with gentleness and respect, honoring them by lovingly pointing them to the truth.

We, too, may honor our parents even when we disagree with them. Many times, honoring will mean holding our peace. If mom brings up a political opinion at the Christmas dinner table with which you disagree, honoring her might mean simply changing the subject. Other times, though, honoring our parents might mean correcting them gently and in love like Christ did Mary and Joseph. If dad says that he doesn’t go to church because he doesn’t need the church to worship God, honoring dad might mean kindly reminding him that we go to church to receive Christ’s Word and Sacrament, the means that Jesus uses to bountifully deliver the forgiveness of sins. When we disagree with our parents, we should do it patiently and with concern for their spiritual well-being, just as our Savior has modeled for us.

Honoring is forgiving and forbearing

Finally, we learn from Christ that honoring our parents means forgiving them and bearing with their sins, weaknesses and mistakes. While there is no explicit example in the Gospels of Jesus forgiving His parents, we know that He came to this world precisely to forgive and to bear the sins of the world to the cross, including those of Mary and Joseph. He humbled Himself to become the servant of sinners (Phil. 2:7).

So also, we should forgive our parents their sins and failures. Even if those sins and failures are very great indeed. Like Christ, we are called to bear with the sins of others. That doesn’t mean it won’t still hurt. Your parents’ divorce may still leave scars and hurts even if you have forgiven them. Your father’s infidelity may have eroded your respect for him. Physical, sexual or emotional abuse might have left wounds that cannot be fully healed until Christ returns in glory. Honoring our sinful parents means giving all our hurts to Jesus, receiving His mercy and extending that mercy to our parents. Where reconciliation is possible, we seek it. Where it is not possible, we trust all things to Christ and ask Him for grace to still honor those who have hurt us.

When you see mom and dad this Christmas, whether they have been great parents or have fallen short in many ways, give thanks to God for giving you parents. Honor them for the sake of Christ, who died to redeem both you and your parents and whose blood covers their sins and yours.

This article originally appeared in the December 2024 issue of The Lutheran Witness.

Cover image: Public domain.